Self-obituary

Kevin Pabst, who's love of games was only outpaced by his love of the written word, died in his home last night. The cause of death was a brain aneurysm while watching a holographically recreated episode of The Brady Bunch. He never married, but is survived by brothers Kyle and Casey. He was 78.

Born to Harry and Lisa, he grew up in a Coon Rapids suburb across the street from the Epiphany Catholic Church. At the age of seven his family moved to an empty neighborhood in Andover, which quickly filled up. As he passed through high school and graduated in 2007, he realized that he truly loved reading, as he pointed out in his bestselling autobiography "Maeking Wurds."

After high school he attended the local community college, but later moved on to the University of Minnesota, where he earned a degree in both English and Journalism. He floated around the Midwest trying to find himself, but soon drifted further west and into California. There he got a job at a website that reviewed fast-food collectibles, but soon moved on to bigger things.

He soon found himself working for GameSpy as a mere intern, but it's what he wanted to do. Within five years he had been promoted to managing editor, and made editor-in-chief in ten. He continued to work as EIC, until he retired at the age of 65, and moved back to Minnesota to live out retirement.

His funeral service will be held in two weeks at 3461 Northcross Avenue in Coon Rapids and is open to all attendees. After the funeral he will be cremated, and his ashes scattered from the international space station across the globe, as he explicitly stated in his will.